


Dear dark lord

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Albus Dumbledore Bashing, Alternate Universe, Angst, Crack, Cute, Dumb Wizards, Funny, Gen, Humor, Letters, Logic, Plothole Fill, Senses, Smart Harry, Smart Harry Potter, double agents should not be a thing, goblins are the only logical beings, harry wants to be dark, honestly harry!, nothing makes sense, penpal, the wizarding world makes no sense, wizards have no logic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:27:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27375667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: At first- the letters are just a way to piss Voldemort more. As time goes by, however, Harry finds himself with a penpal, and, miraculously, a friend. He thinks it's rather ironic.
Comments: 31
Kudos: 132





	1. Chapter 1

Dear dark lord,

I have a question. Why haven’t you killed harry potter yet? I mean come on, have you no idea how easy it would be. I mean- I’m 15 and I think I could kill him quicker than you. I’m going, to be honest here. I don’t particularly want you to kill him, I’m just amused by the fact that you claim to be one of the most brilliant minds in wizarding Britain and fail to kill a child. I mean- come on! Would it have been so hard to station a death eater at platform 9 and ¾ or something? Seriously, just be reasonable and let someone else kill the kid. By the way, I don’t understand how you managed to station a death eater IN HOGWARTS but failed to, I don’t know, KILL THE BOY DURING THE MILLION TIMES HE WAS VULNERABLE. Also- if the graveyard rumor is true- which I think it is- Why didn’t you just kill potter when he was bloody tied up, unarmed, and an easy target. Oh- you didn’t think of that mister he-who-shall-not-think-at all. Seriously, man, I expected more from you. Not cool  
-a person with common sense

\---

Dear brat, 

Well, that hurt my feelings. Seriously, evil plotting is hard when 𝚢̶𝚘̶𝚞̶ ̶𝚘̶𝚗̶𝚕̶𝚢̶ ̶𝚑̶𝚊̶𝚟̶𝚎̶ ̶𝟷̶/̶𝟷̶𝟸̶𝟾̶𝚝̶𝚑̶ ̶𝚘̶𝚏̶ ̶𝚊̶ ̶𝚜̶𝚘̶𝚞̶𝚕̶ you’re stuck at home with a rat-man. Also- i am too prideful to take advice from a 15-year-old like yourself so kindly get lost.  
-the dark lord


	2. Chapter 2

Dear dark lord, 

No. Also, guess what! I think you have a competitor for the most hated person in magical Britain award. You have three clues to figure out who it is. She wears pink, is obsessed with kittens, and is a sadistic, vicious bitch. Did you guess Umbridge? Anyway- it turns out that you’re gonna be demoted, buddy. Get ready to put ‘second most evil psychopath in the twentieth century’ on your achievement list. Sorry for the angst- I’m having my hand engraved every night in detention. Next to her, you look like a cute fuzzy bunny.  
-a person with common sense.

Dear brat,  
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
-the dark lord


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry asks for help. Voldemort complies. Cannon changes.

Dear dark lord,  
I am bored. I am lonely. I am angsty. I also want to kill the fat toad in pink. Help me.  
-a person with common sense

Dear brat,  
When do you want me to kill her? I’m free Tuesday.  
-the dark lord

Dear dark lord,   
That works.  
-A person with common sense

***  
Late Tuesday evening.  
***

Senior undersecretary to the minister found dead in little Hangleton!  
By Rita Skeeter

Senior undersecretary, Hogwarts defense teacher, and newly appointed high inquisitor, Dolores Umbridge was found dead in a small town called Little Hangleton. Aurors blame muggles as she was found with several primitive torture marks on her body-  
**  
Harry sighed happily. Then, he got up and proceeded to the owlery. He would have to thank Voldemort for his help.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry finds a plot hole. Voldy becomes rich

Dear dark lord,  
Thanks for exterminating our little ‘toad’’. I appreciate it! Anyhow, on a different matter, I was wondering whether you could help me with a question. Okay, firstly, what was stopping you from becoming infinitely rich, I mean, come on, it wouldn’t be that hard. Just take advantage of one of your more wealthy followers, make them convert their money to muggle bills, duplicate them as much as you want, invest in a muggle bank account, take all the money out of the account, convert to wizard money, and boom, you’re so much richer than before. Honestly, you’d of thought somebody would have thought of this by now. 

-a person with common sense

*later that day*

"Dumbledore, what's wrong?" Molly asked, looking at the old man, "why did you call in an urgent order meeting?"  
Dumbeldore paced gingerly and grimly answered."It seems in the past hour, Voldemort has become the richest person alive.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Voldy says thank you. Harry offers to help him out more.

Dear brat,  
It seems I owe you one. I am now the richest person alive and intend to use it to my advantage. Be aware that I would be glad to accept you into my ranks once you graduate. On a side note, do you have any other economy ruining, interesting questions?  
-The dark lord

**

Harry looked thoughtfully at the paper. Of course, he had more ‘questions’ what did the man think he was? Yes, he had been masquerading as a dim wit for the past 5 years, but it seemed a fair bit of angst and murder (not necessarily in that order) really made a person want to prove themselves. His next plot hole happened to be a bit damaging to the light side, at least once Voldemort started inevitably doing as harry suggested. Honestly, he wasn't sure the difference between light and dark, and, no matter what Dumbledore thought, Voldy was actually quite a good- well interesting- penpal. If the dark lord didn't want to kill him, he might have honestly taken up his offer and joined his side. ‘Oh well,’ he thought dryly, ‘let’s get back to ruining the wizarding world, shall we?’

**

Dear Dark Lord,

I’m glad I’ve made an impression on you but I have no urge to join your little death eater posse. Honestly talk about cliche. I mean, a skull and snake, really? Your mark screams ‘i was bullied as a child, but don’t worry, I’m a badass psycho’. Now, that brings me to my next ‘question’ that I believe will benefit you. We all know people are traitorous scum, right? Yes, so what’s stopping them from blabbing all your little plans to the other side, honor? Sometimes I worry that for every person you killed, you lost a piece of logic. I mean, come on, just make them cast the unbreakable vow instead of bloody marking them so ANYBODY can see their allegiance. Honestly, double agents are a thing because you let them be. Sorry for the rant, I’m particularly passionate that nothing in the wizarding world makes sense. On a side note, Hogwarts is doing much better now that umbitch is gone. I wish you’d get rid of ol’ Dumbles too. The goat is trying to manipulate me, and it’s kinda obvious. Toodles for now!

Ps. A little birdie told me you want a weapon, can I help? 

-A person with common sense


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry choses to join the not-death-eaters-any-more crew.

"Albus! another emergency meeting? Are you serious?"

"No, I'm Sirius!"

"Shut up and grow up Padfoot"

"Sorry moony-"

The two marauders turned back to the old man who looked like he had grown up years in the past few weeks.

"Severus is dead."

-oOo-

Dear Brat,

It seems you were correct. I'm not sure if you've heard, but Severus Snape is dead after swearing the unbreakable vow. For that, I might overlook your rudeness. I shall ask you one more time, shall you join my death eater crew?

I look forward to not burning your reply.

P.S. How did you know about my 'weapon'?

-The Dark Lord

-oOo-

Harry looked at the ceiling to his dorm, the letter clutched tightly in his hand. In the background, Ron could be heard snoring. Harry let out a sigh and started to reply.

-oOo-

Dear Dark Lord,

Fine, I will consider joining you. But having me in your group is a HUGE reward and our bargain should be balanced.

First off, I'm not getting marked, not unless its something actually small and inconspicuous. I'm also not calling myself a death eater, just no way, it sounds like something you'd nickname a deadly mushroom. Now for the last thing. I will swear a vow of allegiance from my place of residence and I'll be needing you to swear a vow as well. A vow to not hurt me and two others of my choice.

See you when you decide.

P.S. I heard Dumbledore discussing it in the great hall. He's not as subtle as he thinks.

A person with common sense.


End file.
